The Phenomenology of My Specific Contradiction

How does a person that is or identifies as all these in their synopsis, while living in a country with people who aren't, especially with Democrats and Republicans, anarchists and libertarians, especially when one feels like all they're doing is trudging through life and trying not to become a stoic nihilist or hold everyone in contempt? My communication style is factual-philosophical mercurial neurodivergent, so buckle up...

1. activist-misanthrope is by Ian James Kidd.

2. secular humanist.

3. collectivist (who believes in collective oneness and shared obligatory stewardship).

4. anti-sectarian policy-identipy (anything that divides humanity).

5. international communist.

6. Democratic centralist with tankie. 

7. Factual-philosophical (non theist but devotion to principles) Deontological-Kantians (duty & loyalty).

8. Immoderate.

9. Principled and light triad personalited with Machiavellian traits.

10. Heterodox and Orthodox synthetic.

11. Antitheist agnostic-atheist.

12. Asocial Humbled and structured spartan, thrifty and frugal.

13. Ennegram type 5 -INJT-T Gamma personality (I'm not a leader or a follower, I'm a role-filler who does thir own thing when the role isn't needed).

14. Xennial and proud D.A.R.E. Student

15. utilitarian, transactional-businesslike, purposeful and situational.

16. Neurodivergent.

I'm both a product of genetics and of my environment, the environment can but I know and feel it's a permanent condition, that requires endless masking, mental energy, and management. My only sanctuary is my home, and it costs me the beauty of the world, which is another reason I love the winter seasons, it brings a sense of peace and calm to the environment. 

The United States is structurally hostile to almost every position you hold simultaneously. Not just politically, ontologically. The atomized, individualist, commodity-fetishizing culture that produces Democrats and Republicans alike is the direct negation of collective oneness, shared stewardship, and international solidarity. And i'm living as an ideological exile inside my birth country.

My acquaintances ask, why I care about the system, about others, why I care about the planet, and other deep issues. I care because I'm not stoic, I'm not a nihilist, I'm not a social darwinist, right-wing individual with a dark triad personality. I'm an introverted Frankenstein with empathy, sympathy, and compassion. Feeling like an antistoic stoic. A walking contradiction, not by temperament but existence. An afropessimism-adjacent existential grief. Utilitarianism functioning deontology under the pendulum of action and equal and opposite reaction, knowing every time it spares me, it ways comes back to cut me.

My perception isn't distorted cognition, I don't hold it by choice. it's reality. I am who I am and I survive it, without understanding it. Why does life have to be an axiological exiled lucid pessimist tragic humanist existence, and how I build a life that is sustainable within it?

Those who fear self reflection, are at conflict between their mask and their soul. Be one. My operating system is built on structure, not personality. Take time and look at your operating system,  can you name it and what it is built on? Before I sign off, I leave three quotes:

"Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you," - Tyrion Lannister

"To trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in his life except the impulse to simply soldier on," - Geoffrey Chaucer

"I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me," - Wreck-It Ralph

Can a person built the way I am, living where I live, ever get from diagnosis to inhabitable life? I ponder this with no answers in sight. But the need for external: love, appreciation, belonging and validation, overtime becomes self-evident, loving one's self allowed me to continue after giving up but internal love only goes so far, and do so much.

"Love, love look what you've done to my heart

Oh I should've known from the start

That, you'd go and tear it apart

Oh and now you've deserved me

You never lose, you never fail

You always live to tell the tale

You take me up, you bring me down

Without a touch, without a sound

Love, love why do I keep searching high and low?" - Def Leppard 

Axiom through material analysis, historical study, and lived experience. even when the outcome is uncertain, even when the movement is losing, even when I'm surrounded by people who can't see it, I hold these as operative truths I act from, knowing the difference between what you hold by reasoned commitment and what you hold provisionally. Faith largely on internal architecture with minimal external reinforcement. Emotionally and structurally depleting the maintenance system for the very beliefs that give life coherence. Internal system require maintenance and recharge from time to time to prevent burnout. Why does the material condition known as society require so much energy, wear, and tear to live among? Making time for peoole during an era, where humanity could be called the "ain't nobody got time for that!" period.

Closing note: I feel sad for those who will read the Def Leppard quote and go straight to romance, for you're indirectly admitting that you view love as a strictly romantic emotion. How do you feel about your kids, siblings, parents, pets? Look into that...